


Initiative

by ritsuko



Category: Star Trek: Alternate Original Series (Movies)
Genre: Break Up, Established Relationship, F/M, Feels, M/M, Sad
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-07-07
Updated: 2013-07-07
Packaged: 2017-12-18 01:07:52
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,942
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/873959
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ritsuko/pseuds/ritsuko
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Nyota lets go.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Initiative

Uhura knows. She is no weak willed idiot. It takes a lot to push her to her limits, and at this moment, that lot is Jim Kirk.

It's only obvious in the looks, the casual touches, acceptable in human culture, but utterly embarrassing for a Vulcan. Jim knows better. At first, she thought that the captain was just doing it to get under Spock's skin, until she recognized that look in his eyes. Conquest. Lust. Longing. She sees the signs, even if her boyfriend doesn't.

It's hard not to see the effect that these affections have on her boyfriend. Disgust and confusion have blossomed into resigned acceptance and the Vulcan relaxing instead of tensing at every intrusion. Spock would be appalled at himself if she pointed it out, but it is very un-Vulcan of him.

Not that she ever would. It had taken a year of baby steps for him to be comfortable holding her hand, even longer for stolen kisses in the turbo lift. But all that has been unraveled by their boundary-less captain. In what took her a year, he did in a week. Spock no longer tenses when Jim claps him on the shoulder, or when he sidles up to him, mere inches apart. It's frustrating. It hurts. Because she knows deep down, that for some reason, Jim's touch is more acceptable than hers.

She doesn't think that Spock doesn't love her, he very obviously does by the way they kiss. By the way they make love. But it is all so Vulcan, so logical and precise in the way that he loves her. And she can see the hunger in Jim's eyes.

Uhura doesn't like it.

There are the moments when she can see her relationship unraveling subtly, After Khan, everything changed. Spock barely left the captain's side in the two weeks that Jim was in a coma, fluttering heartbeat as weak as a butterfly smashing against the sides of a glass jar on a hot sunny day. Just the look in her boyfriend's eyes staring at the prone man like he was an anchor, the only thing keeping him locked still in a sea of turmoil. When Spock finally commed her to tell her Kirk was awake, the tones of relief in his voice made her heart skip uncertainly. 

It was finally happening.

Part of her is furious. The fact that Spock can be so devoted to the man. That when Spock's own death had been imminent on Nibiru, he had shown so little emotion. She had understood on the shuttle to Q'onos when he had explained his reasoning to her, but with Jim's death, all of that had flown out the window. While she would never ever wish death on the man, she could hate him for pulling such a strong emotion from her partner.

She knows all the words. _T'hy'la. Ashayam. K'hat'n'dlawa._ But in their years together, Spock has never used them once. Does he even believe they belong together?

Surely, he must not be thinking about it, is just being logical. But what is more logical than calling your significant other beloved after three years?

She can't wait for it. She has to take the initiative. 

After shift, she approaches the Vulcan. "Commander."

His eyes light softly at the sound of her voice. "Lieutenant. Would you like to get supper?"

For a moment, her resolve ebbs, but she can see the captain staring over at the two of them. "Actually, I think that we need to talk. Alone."

Spock arches an eyebrow at her, but nods an affirmation. She leads the way to the turbolift, and the doors almost close before Jim worms his way on, doors nearly catching the back of his uniform shirt as they close. Uhura can't help but grit her teeth in slight irritation behind pursed lips. Silence stretches for a moment before the captain clears his throat.

"So, Spock, we on for that game of chess tonight?" The hopeful tone in the captain's voice grates on Nyota's will, and she shoots a look full of daggers at the captain. He doesn't notice, crystalline eyes only focused on Spock. 

"We shall have to see, Captain. It seems Nyota and I will be having a night in." The Vulcan's tone is firm, if apologetic. Kirk deflates a little and for the first time looks over at Uhura, and she feels slight shock at. He wears his emotion so raw, the disappointment dripping in his gaze. Defiantly, she stares him down, but Kirk just gives her a sad little smile.

If he only knew. 

The lift opens and Jim gets off on the deck the mess hall is located. There is silence again until the doors close, and Spock turns to her.

"Are you angry with the Captain?" Spock inquires.

"What would I have to be angry about?" She states, looking at her nails, feigning disinterest.

Spock mulls the thought over and tries again. "Perhaps the time I spend playing chess with him is detracting from our relationship?"

"Is that what you think, Spock?"

"I am uncertain. All I know is that when I am with Jim, you seem. . . irritated."

Nyota huffs a sigh of annoyance. "Why would you think that is?"

"Maybe you think we are spending too much time outside of work together. That time could be better spent between the two of us." He ponders.

"Is that what you think?

"It is only logical and healthy for those in a relationship to have some time apart, so that they can feel all the more strongly about their bonds when they are together, correct?" The Vulcan queries.

"So, the reason you spend so much time with Kirk is because you think it's helping our relationship. By your 'logic', shouldn't you be spending less time with him as well?" She says, an edge to her voice.

Spock pauses, confusion slight on his face. "The difference is that Jim is my friend. I am not in a relationship with him."

"Could have fooled me." Uhura mutters under her breath, and Spock stares at her strangely. He doesn't get a chance to respond, as the lift doors open to the crew quarters. She strides in front of him, making her way to his room. Upon arrival, she keys in the code and enters, not even waiting for him. Pulse starting to race, she stands by the window, staring out into the reaches of space. 

"Have I done something to upset you?" The Vulcan's voice has taken on the slightest twinge of worry, nonexistent to someone who wouldn't be looking for it, someone who hasn't dated the man for years.

Uhura stares resolutely into space. "We should break up."

She isn't even looking at him, but she feels Spock go unnaturally still behind her. Silence stretches and she starts to wonder if the man has turned into a statue behind her. Absently, she folds her arms over her chest.

"May I ask why?" Spock finally states, tone even.

"I just don't think this is going to work out anymore." She manages, and the words cut her mouth as soon as they are uttered.

Spock presses. "For what reason? I thought that things were good between us."

Nyota sighs, and turns to face her boyfriend, but is shocked by the other man's face. Even though his tone is even, the Vulcan's face has crumpled, eyes full of hurt.

"I don't think that I am the one you want to be with any longer." The Vulcan's eyes knit together in confusion, but she continues. "I love you. With all of my heart. I truly do believe that you love me too. But I can see it, Spock. I see the way that he looks at you. And I see the way that you look back at him." Slowly, Spock has started to shake his head, but she closes the gap between them and places her palms on his cheeks, stilling his head. An intimate motion, but they've been intimate, and it very well might be their last intimacy. "No, Spock, this is what needs to happen. I love you, but I'm not going to sit by while you fall in love with someone else. I'm not going to share you. Not with him, not with anybody."

"But I do not. . . I have not. . ."

"I know, and that's why I love you, because you wouldn't do that to me. I'm sure he's tried, in his own ways. You have so much pride and integrity, but I can see it. If I have to let you go, I have to let you go. If you come back to me, we'll know that this was meant to be. but I can't just stay with you not knowing. Not knowing if you love me but you might love him or be happier with him."

"But I am with you."

"And I am letting you choose. Hell, lets just have a break, see where your heart goes. If you come back to me at the end of it, then I was a fool with nothing to worry about. But if you do want to be with him. . . if something happens. Then you can." Her hands fall from his cheeks down to his sides, and they look into each others eyes for a long time.

The silence stretches, and it is almost unbearable. She can see the emotions passing just under Spock's skin, barely flitting to his face before becoming masked in control. "If this is what you truly wish, Nyota, then I shall comply. I can see that I have not been fair to you." He lowers his eyes, and his voice becomes pained. "I would have never done anything with Jim. I would have never betrayed our bond."

Nyota shushes him and places a hand on his shoulder. "Shhh, I know. I know Spock. You are a good man. Probably the best that I know. But you need to find out for yourself if you might be happier with him." Slowly, she raises on her toes and kisses him on the cheek, aware that his eyes are knit shut and trembling. She has only ever seen tears from Spock once before, on the day that Jim had died. There is some comfort to her that he is giving them to her now, knowing full well that she mattered to him. 

"I love you." He whispers brokenly, and it feels like she is being stabbed in the heart. Gently, she wraps her arms around him, just for a second.

"I know. And I love you. But I'm not going to cage you in that love. Not if your heart has room in it for another." She states, pulling back, and touches his face, his eyelids, nose, lips, hair, even the tips of his ears with extended middle and forefingers. He chokes down a strangled noise. She steps back. 

Spock cannot look up at her. That's fine. She knows that the next time she sees him, he will be rigid and composed, that this conversation behind closed doors will never go past the both of them. She looks at her feet and lets out a trembling breath. "Choose who you want, Spock. Choose who you need."

She turns and leaves the room. It hurts, god does it hurt, but at the same time, there is a relief, a relief that a wave that could have come down and destroyed her had diminished against the rocky shore of her surety.

Spock was a logical man. He would choose what was right for him.

Just as she had chosen what was right for her.

**Author's Note:**

> I've been having a pretty rough time of it, and this was something I started penning because of it. As much as I love my Spirk, I really do love Spohura too. But I needed a little breakup fic to get some feelings in order. Sorry if its not what you're used to seeing me write!


End file.
